Goat Farming Tips from Heidi

Today’s edition of Homesteading with the Masters features a trip down memory lane to the time when we were goat owners.

That’s right. We were goat owners. In the past tense. Never again. You will not find any references to goat ownership in either the present or future tense on this blog.

But our foray into goat farming, short-lived though it was, has given us a new appreciation for literature’s most famous child goat herders: the eleven-year-old Peter and his trusty assistant, five-year-old Heidi.

If you, too, would like to sharpen your appreciate for Heidi, without having to go through the farming rite of passage that is goat ownership, read on!

Consider this passage from Heidi’s first day with Peter on the mountain goat pastures:

“Peter forced his way through the middle of the herd to that side of the Alm where the bare and jagged rocks fell away steeply. Here a heedless little goat might easily tumble down and break his legs. Peter had noticed inquisitive little Goldfinch jumping in that direction. The boy arrived just in time, for the little goat was just about to jump towards the edge of the precipice. Peter, lunging towards the goat fell down and only managed to seize one of its legs as he fell. Goldfinch gave an angry cry at finding herself caught and tried desperately to free herself. Peter could not get up and shouted for Heidi to help because he was afraid Goldfinch might wrench her leg.” Heidi, Johanna Spyri.

Now, the reader of this quote may be thinking that these dear little children don’t need to be quite so worried about their goats.

A goat wouldn’t be stupid enough to injure itself by jumping off a cliff, would it? Or wrestle with its owner to the point where it would actually hurt itself?

Yes.

Yes, it would.

Allow us to explain.

A Typical Goat-Keeping Experience

You may have guessed from the opening of this post, that our goat-farming experience was something of a failure.

You would be right.

But we comfort ourselves by remembering two things.

One is the fact that we are now in the position to make our own contribution to the classic farm-writing genre that is “ranting about goats.”

Second is the fact that we are by no means the only farmers we’ve heard of who couldn’t work it out with goats. In fact, we’ve heard of so many people with similar stories, that we’ve been able to identify a fairly typical pattern of goat ownership.

Without further ado, here are the Five Phases of Goat-Farming

Phase 1 – Buy a piece of land which you can afford. It will probably have lots of weeds and brushy areas where you would like to have lush pasture. Think that buying a few goats would be a great way to clear out the weeds. Dismiss warnings from experienced farmers that goats will make you hate farming. Buy baby goats and marvel at their cuteness

Phase 2 – (May begin within as little as 24 hours of your baby goat purchase). Experience goats defying your wishes and repeatedly breaking out of their new home despite your expensive moveable electric goat fencing.

Phase 3 – Drop everything on multiple occasions to chase escaped goats away from your . . .

1. New baby fruit trees
2. New baby nut trees
3. Newly emerging garden seedlings
4. Neighbor’s back yard

Phase 4 – One of your goats finally comes into milk. You are now the proud producer of about 2-4 cups of goat flavored milk a day. The cheese may be good, but the real question is: Is it worth it??

Phase 5 – Throw up your hands and sell the goats. Wonder why farming is suddenly so much more enjoyable. Then realize.

But the weeds…???

Lesson learned: There are, in fact, many ways to clear weeds. One is with a scythe. Another is with a weed whacker or brush hog. Yet another is to pull out thistles bare-handed.

All of them are preferable to owning goats.

Goats and their Death Wish

But back to our Homesteading with the Masters quote. Do goats really need eleven-year-old boys to keep them from the brink of death on a daily basis?

We can, without hesitation, attest to the realistic nature of the goat herding scenes in Heidi. Yes, goats certainly are irresponsible enough to injure or even kill themselves if you aren’t watching them closely.

About six months into our goat-raising chapter, we went to a wedding. Our most troublesome goat took advantage of our absence to wedge herself into the cattle panel that formed part of our goat shelter. There was, by the way, a perfectly good, wide doorway that she could have used instead for taking a walk in the fresh air.

Why???  

By the time we found her, it was too late. We’ll say she was not naturally selected for survival. If you can’t even go to your sister’s wedding without these stupid animals killing themselves left and right, then really, what hope is there?

The Secret to Successful Goat-Farming

We obviously are not qualified to give much goat advice. But upon consideration, we think the key to goat ownership is actually contained in today’s literary selection.

The trick is to have an eleven-year-old boy available to keep a vigilant eye on them at all times.

And even expert eleven year old boy goat-herds can get frazzled by their responsibilities, especially when taking care of an excited five-year-old for the first time is also thrown into the mix.

Peter was quite dazed trying to look in every direction at once, for the goats, like Heidi, were jumping from one place to another. He had to whistle and shout and brandish his stick to bring the goats together again.

“Where are you now, Heidi?” came the boy’s exasperated and angry cry.

Anyone else experiencing a slight raise in blood pressure? Poor Peter. If even expert full-time goat-boys can get a little stressed, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Despite our feelings of sympathy for Peter, we stand by the idea discussed last week that farm responsibilities are great for children. As Heidi fans will know, Peter would one day become the father of twins.

We’ll conclude with the thought that there’s probably nothing to prepare a boy for twin-fatherhood quite like taking care of a herd of goats and a five-year-old on the side of a “precipice” day after day.